Who I am and why I’m here

I’m here to pour it out – to understand it myself – my pathway to and from a Word Over the World Ambassador (It was a year-long missionary assignment through what many called a cult – but what I called TRUTH from birth.) to a federal prison.

I want the guilt to go away. I did the best I could at the capacity I was able. Maybe if I write it – my life – someone will understand me – maybe I’ll luck out and I will understand myself or, just possibly, I’ll heal. If a miracle were to happen – I would also help someone else heal.

My main purpose is to hopefully help the world see felons are humans. I’m willing to be vulnerable and judged or humbled and ridiculed.

I only wish to understand and be understood.

(1st assignment for WordPress)

Clouds of Mercy

Clouded thoughts hung heavy on my ancient soul as the passing of dreams floated by and I stood still – frozen – in deep fear as I face my demons alone.

I squinted through the narrow window trying to see the clock. How many years, months, days, minutes, or seconds until they open my cage and let me stretch. How long until I get my day in court? They have to let me go home. Don’t they? Isn’t that how it works? The guilty go to prison…

I laid back down on the scant mattress and rolled my towel for a pillow.  A hot tear runs down my face as I think of the yesterdays – playing in the park and flying kites to see if I could reach the clouds. The smell of flowers and fresh cut grass surrounding me. It all seems so unreal now.

I don’t remember the smells of life or of my children. The constant odor of feces mixed with fear was my reality now.

If only…If only I had escaped the clutches of a madman. I would be flying kites to the clouds with my children and now grandchildren.

Now I am home – yet they are grown – our kite strings have been severed. But I won’t give up. Not on me – not on them.

I look to the clouds and pray – may our kites one day reach you again. May our dreams float down and heal the damage of the unjust storm.

 

 

 

 

 

https://lanternwords.wordpress.com/2016/06/30/clouds-of-witnesses/

De(e)p(ly) – Rive(n)

Deeply riven – but never lost – are the parts which are beaten and tempest tossed.

The lessons learned – the courage ignited – birth is given to the deeply sighted:

Those who have felt the hunger pangs, the loss of freedom, the acid rain.

Those who have carried deep despair and fought their way out of the dragon’s lair.

To those deeply riven – who have fought their way – to learn to love another day.

https://adarshakharel.wordpress.com/2016/06/27/deep-rive/

Reflections of an Inmate – By Jennifer Tucker (aka Scarlet Felon)

reflections

 

Look around what do you see?

Catch a glimpse of modern slavery.

Lying systems, in a rigged economy –

Justice is given to the anomaly.

 

Take a look closer what do you feel?

The plight of a human or a dollar bill?

No justice for people the systems kill

Orphans created at political will.

 

Do you run – into neighborhoods that fail?

And ask yourself – what must prevail?

Our justice leaves a broken trail

As innocence is beaten and placed in jail.

 

Do you run from addicted diseases in fear?

As you cling to possessions – look in the mirror.

I hope you see the image clear

Things are not always as they appear.

 

Go forward and find the sacred land

That place reserved for you to stand

If you’re afraid, take my hand

There’s nothing together we cannot withstand.

 

I’m scared – and I need you too

Hold me up and I’ll hold you

Together – think of all we may do.

As long as we have a heart that’s true.

 

A helping hand, a shattered gavel

Splinters removed in the lives we travel

It’s no small thing as we unravel.

All the pain within the ones we shackle.

 

You and I, we are the same

We were just dealt a different game.

Each given our moment in unwanted fame.

Diverse lessons deeply en-trained.

 

Could you fold on the cards of hate?

On life and love must we debate,

Or is being a judge – your only trait?

As you search for souls to humiliate.

 

In your reflection – I pray you’ll see

The spirit connection between you and me.

 

In the glass, I hope you’ll find

We are all reflections of one great mind.

 

The God, Spirit, or whatever word you use

We’re in this together and given a muse

 

A way to speak, a destiny to fulfill

Seeped inside our human will.

 

A pivotal moment after the recompense

The moment one steps beyond the fence

 

Life or death what will it hold

As we walk away, will we break the mold?

A Felon’s Dream

The roar of laughter and cries finally settle. The echo of slamming metal doors passed as everyone settles in their cages.

Breathe in – breathe out, everything in-between will be okay. But, will it? In the in – between, the land of shadows – the place of purgatory – the pure agony.

Breathe in – breathe out. Tears of relief collect in my hair and ears for another day over.

“Please be safe and sleep well tonight my precious children,” I whisper into the emptiness.

Breathe in – breathe out…stop thinking. 

I awoke startled and I realized it was only a nightmare. I stood up and walked into my children’s rooms, and looked at the three perfect little beings sleeping peacefully in their beds.

I look through the window and see the sun starting to rise. It feels like Christmas morning. I can’t wait for them to wake up so I can wrap my arms around them. My youngest begins to move around in his crib and seems surprised and delighted that I am already there when he awakens. His gentle coos melt my heart as I change his diaper.

“Hi, Sweety!” I whisper as I pick him up.

“Mamamama.” he chants as I hug him.

The night seemed so long, and I couldn’t shake off the nightmare.

“Mom!” my older two came running and threw their arms around me. “We had bad dreams.”

It must have been a full moon.

They all three sat in my lap as I hugged them – unable to hold back the tears of joy.

“Why are you crying mommy?” My little boy traced my tear with his finger.

“I’m just so happy.” I smelled the top of his head.

“Are you excited about starting school today?” I smiled down at him.

“Will you stay with me?” he looked up with fear in his eyes.

“You’ll meet new friends, but I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

I sat in the little classroom chair holding his baby brother. There were a few other mothers in the room, who were also having a hard time letting go – probably more so than our children – who were by now laughing and giggling.

“Mom, you can go now.” He put his little hand on mine.

I didn’t want to go – I didn’t want to let him go. I was so proud of him – his courage and his heart. I stood at the classroom door – wondering how someone so good could come from me. He caught me watching him and blew me a kiss.

My steps echoed through the halls before I peeked in the classroom of my oldest. Her little hand was raised – so little, but independent. How is it possible to love someone so much?

“Mamamama.” broke the silence.

“Meds. MEDS” I opened my eyes. “Do you want ‘um or not?”

I tried to focus through the fog. The smell of my children still lingered from my dream.

“Guess not.” the steel door slammed.

Breathe in – breathe out and everything in-between will be okay…but will it?  Will I? Will they?

The field of dreams: the only escape from the fourteen months of solitude that became me as I waited in the in-between for my day in court.